Fox vs CNN

VS




This is from News Hounds
Maxim did a head-to-head comparison of Fox & CNN. Their premise: One's a cable news pioneer, the other's the network liberals fear. But which one's worth taking for a spin? I thought their results were pretty funny.

Head to Head: Fox vs. CNN

BEST TAGLINE
FOX: "We report. You decide."
CNN: "America's Most Trusted News Source"
EDGE: Fox. Even they snicker when they say it.

POLITICAL BIAS
FOX: Supermacho Republican
CNN: Somberly Democrat
EDGE: Fox. CNN is too self-loathing for it's own good—Fox doesn't apologize.

PAYS MOST LIP SERVICE TO "OBJECTIVITY"
EDGE: CNN. They try, even when no one in the whole world is watching.

LIKELY DRUG OF CHOICE
FOX: Viagra
CNN: Doobie
EDGE: CNN. CNN is your mellow older brother with a glove compartment full of dope.

BEST TO WATCH DRUNK OFF ASS
EDGE: Fox. Drink once every time you hear "freedom," "terror," or "death toll."

MOST LIKELY TO BREAK AWAY FROM POSITIVE NEWS IN ORDER TO COVER SCOTT PETERSON OR KOBE BRYANT TRIAL
EDGE: Fox. Nothing whets the public's need to know like death and rape.

MOST ANNOYING BLOWHARD
FOX: Bill O'Reilly
CNN: Larry King
EDGE: CNN. O'Reilly is a pompous loudmouth but King can actually pass wind through his mouth.

CREDIBLE BIMBO
FOX: Greta Van Susteren
CNN: Paula Zahn
EDGE: Fox. With a face as harsh as the Texas Panhandle, Van Susteren has to be credible.

RIGHT-WING FRUITCAKE
FOX: Sean Hannity
CNN: Tucker Carlson
EDGE: Fox. Bow-tied pretty boy Carlson doesn't compare with Fox's resident Napoleonic blusterer.

LEFT-WING GIRL SCOUT
FOX: Alan Colmes
CNN: Paul Begala
EDGE: CNN. Though he looks like he plays Hacky Sack in his spare time, Begala just isn't the weeping jellyfish Colmes would be if Fox permitted him a speaking role.

BOTTOM-FEEDING PUNDIT
FOX: Dick Morris
CNN: James Carville
EDGE: Fox. Morris would sell his grandmother's ribs for some face time on national TV.

CRAZY-ASS FOUNDER
FOX: Rupert Murdoch
CNN: Ted Turner
EDGE: CNN. Murdoch might be richer and more powerful, but who'd you rather party with? We'll take Mouth of the South, Ted "Col. Sanders on Angel Dust" Turner.

OLD MAN WITH INTEGRITY
FOX: Brit Hume
CNN: Lou Dobbs
EDGE: CNN. Watching Dobbs is like watching golf: It's boring, but you're pretty sure something's happening. Hume traded his hard-won D.C. news rep for a fatter paycheck and boss.

MOST LIKELY TO GET DRUNK AND SHOOT CRITTERS
EDGE: Fox. Yee-ha!

MOST LIKELY TO WATCH YENTL AND EAT A PINT OF ICE CREAM
EDGE: CNN. Sensitive news for sensitive people.

MOST BELOVED POLITICIAN
FOX: Dick Cheney
CNN: Hillary Clinton
EDGE: Fox. They'll lance their own nuts for a chance to inhale Uncle President's cheap cologne.

LIVESTOCK-THEMED ANCHOR
FOX: Shepard Smith
CNN: Wolf Blitzer
EDGE: CNN. Not only did he brave the bombs in Baghdad more than a decade ago, his name doubles as a James Bond villain.

Winner: Fox by a score of 9 to 8.

Breaking news! Fox wins by being the most entertaining cable network this side of Comedy Central and Pax. Sorry, CNN, you can have your boring, old "news." For us, it's all war, dead expectant wives, and hippie bashing all the time!

Maxim